I am no Kim Kardashian. I don’t have a team of people who wake up with me every day, there ready to put my face on. My style is something more like rolling out of bed and then if time permits, dab some nude colored liquid on over my pimples. As I sit here now and reflect upon the way I regularly present myself to society, I’m thinking that maybe I ought to ditch the “I’m too lazy to care” look. I have to give it to Kim, she is way hotter than me. In order to boost my self-esteem I will settle for lying to my inner self: I could be just as hot as Kim if I had an entire team to work on me everyday!!! 🙂 Feelin’ good.
Ok, tomorrow I will make myself look beautiful. To start my beautification process I have to conquer the most grueling, terrifying stage. I must…get rid of my impurities. Goddesses were created with one perfect skin tone. No bumps. No redness. And for goddesses’ sake don’t you dare show a … pimple … ew. I am thankful for my years of practice, for this stage is no easy battle.
My pores say “thank you” to me as I fill them in with my tinted moisturizer. Although they would love to breath, they understand the great sacrifice they are making. I know my mother loves me because she bought me really expensive paste to put on anything red. Mom wouldn’t want those red filthy things exposed to the cruelty of the outside world. This amazing paste also instantly wakes my face up. Don’t allow the public to know that you might be a bit sleepy. Fool them by rubbing this paste under the eyes.
Last quick step to beautiful looking skin: powder. A great man once grounded up minerals and different dyes to create the perfect skin tone. The brush will transport this unique blend of the earth and transport it on your face. Any remaining natural part of your face will be covered and thus packaging you up on your journey towards beauty. The more powder the better. Follow Kim Kardashian’s motto: An inch of cover-up is an inch closer to perfection. Top it off with some bronzer to make you look nice and tan. During the winter months you’ll need extra bronzer to create the illusion that you were just on the beach. Viola! perfect skin!
Last but definitely not least, the eyeball stage. For this, I open my eyes up as wide as they can go and stick a pencil in them. The goal is to place color on the insides of both your upper and lower lid. Your eyes may water, get poked or blink and thus not allowing the color to get on…but it is worth it. Persistence is key! After the pencil has reached your inner eye, pull on the outer corners of your lid. Then put the pencil as close to your lashes as possible and apply! Add mascara and you’re all set. The trick to good mascara is to apply enough so that your lashes become hard but perfectly positioned. They won’t go any where.
It is a good thing this process isn’t considered weird in our society. Instead the result of this long and tedious process is easily defined with one word: beauty. Don’t let people know that you’re ugly. Trick them into thinking you’re good-looking. This girl knows what’s up.