One of the reasons my friends consider me a bit…odd…is because I will talk about anything, anywhere. This pisses me off. As humans, we all do the same things. We have the same body parts and therefore, the same issues. Why we are not able to discuss these things blows my mind. Why is it wrong of me to talk about things that regularly happen to my fellow humans?
So here it is: these are the things I’m not allowed to talk about.
Sex. I’m not Carrie Bradshaw and I’m not allowed to talk about it. It’s completely inappropriate to talk about my sexual experiences. Yes, I understand that this is something you do in your private time…but I mean, jeez. Why does everyone need to be so sensitive? Listen. We all have sex. And if you aren’t – you probably wish you were getting some anyway. I want everyone to grow up and just admit to it. Sex is amazing and we should all be able to rave about it.
Bodily Functions. In order to survive as a species, every day we must consume nutrients and excrete the useless stuff. This happens…every single day…to every single person. It may not be exciting. It may not be very fun. But you know what? We all do it. Frankly, we all enjoy it sometimes too. Admit it. Nothing feels better than when you really gotta go and you finally let it loose. So next time don’t judge that person in the stall next to you who let out that loud fart, just think about how you do it too.
This leads me to my next point. We also have the same body parts. I’m going to say it and you all are going to feel awkward. We all have buttholes and nipples. Girls have vaginas and boys have penises. What’s the big deal? Any mention of any of these and you might as well be shunned into a nunnery. Not only are we not allowed to say these words, you definitely, definitely cannot let those hands of yours come any where near them. Oh, sorry, I forgot: it’s acceptable for men to “adjust” themselves. But if I were to tell a story about my how sometimes my hair gets stuck in my butthole after I shower (girls you know what I’m talking about)…oh em gee. Totally disgusting.
Before we move past body parts, I need to put something out there. Women are allowed, even encouraged to show as much boob as possible. BUT! For some reason, it is absolutely unacceptable to show nipple. Remember the part in Mean Girls: “Did you see nipple? If you didn’t see nipple it doesn’t count.” I just don’t get it. Who decided that these two funny looking circles must always be covered? And!!!!!! WHAT MAKES BOYS NIPPLES DIFFERENT THAN GIRLS NIPPLES!!!????? ARG!! This also pisses me off.
Money. These days, money is important to our survival. We all need it for food and shelter. We spend the majority of our adult lives working to get more of it. But even when unemployment is a huge issue for our country, it is NOT okay to talk about money. I don’t even know how much my parents make. I do know that I am jealous of those rich bitches who drive their Mercedes down Comm. Ave. to get to class. My parents definitely don’t make as much as theirs. Imagine if I went up to this person and said “damn, how much money does your family have?” I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just curious that’s all!
And lastly, sometimes I just want to tell someone that they are getting too fat or that they look ugly. Don’t worry, I would never. I’ve been trained well. There are some things that are simply unacceptable to talk about in public.